Inspired by an essay called "queering heterosexuality," written by dr. sandra jeppesen. I speak to the challenges of escaping the cage of cisheteronormativity in pursuit of new ways of relating.
Wahhhh what a beautiful read!! I’m also RA and have felt discouraged abt building deeper relationships with all my heart-people, of how to even broach the conversation. your ecosystem is inspiring !! also love that your friend gave you that advice about respecting others’ agency to opt in, which help you be discerning with your energy and expectations ❤️
my fave quotes:
- “it is neither safe nor reasonable, to assume that everyone wants “non-hierarchical,” queer friendships no matter how transformative and powerful I may find them. “
- What I actually want to do is expand the hierarchy, to invite others across the borders of it into the standard of love and care that i know I am capable of giving to my friends, that I have experienced, and that I dream of.
Kiesha, please forgive me for my delay in responding. I’m still learning my way around Substack. Thank you so much for taking the time to engage and respond so thoughtfully. I hope today has been good to you!
oh my gosh i cant even tell you how excited i was reading this piece, knowing theres other people trying to build the world(s) that my partners and i talk about ALL THE TIME. and your discussion of how you open the floodgates of your love... is so relatable, i have spent years trying to articulate that i want to show up in friendships ready to donate kidneys and how disheartening it is that others seem to limit their desires to weekly coffee dates . But youre so right about agency and creating space for people to interrogate their wishes and wants. this was incredibly healing and exciting to read thank you so much for writing it.
This is something I wanted and didn’t have the language for it. So glad to hear it exists. For a while, I just figured I would have to do life alone since I can’t fall in line with societal norms.
This. This. All. Of. THIS!!! Thank you so much for sharing this. This is something I am actively learning, living and building with friends and it's been so interesting to witness how it's rubs up against romantic interests who've never seen it in practice. This is why I will not shut up about romantic friendships, because the hierarchies hold so many in a bind that they do not have the language to name, nevermind actively challenge/choose a more aligned alternative.
Tšhegofatšo, thank you so so much for reading and responding with so much intention. I appreciate you! I could not shut up about this topic if I tried. 🤭 I feel so strongly that it is how we get free and it makes my heart warm to know that I am co-creating a future alongside folks like you!
This is brilliant! Something I so dear to my heart and something I am actively living and building with friends. Communal living and mutual support just like you would with family/romantic partners. Thank you for your voice. it’s so so so necessary we expand our mind on relationship hierarchies!!!
Hiii!!! TYSM for this post. It’s so reassuring to see that other people are still figuring out how to create and live in intentional community as opposed to making assumptions based on role or social norms.
I personally am looking to create something that is reminiscent of my childhood support system. Seeing my mother and grandmother care for and be cared for by others has left a lasting impact on me and I feel called to continue to create safe spaces just as they did. May we all be able to create the realities that support and fulfill us 🫶🏾
Thank for your the kind words. It feels so affirming to receive responses like this; im grateful for you!
And yes! I can so relate to being inspired by the relational dynamics and care infrastructures that my mom/grandmother other matriarchs modeled growing up. My dreams feel like they don’t belong to just me and that is such a special feeling, to feel like this desire is flowing through me (+you, +us)!!
Wahhhh what a beautiful read!! I’m also RA and have felt discouraged abt building deeper relationships with all my heart-people, of how to even broach the conversation. your ecosystem is inspiring !! also love that your friend gave you that advice about respecting others’ agency to opt in, which help you be discerning with your energy and expectations ❤️
my fave quotes:
- “it is neither safe nor reasonable, to assume that everyone wants “non-hierarchical,” queer friendships no matter how transformative and powerful I may find them. “
- What I actually want to do is expand the hierarchy, to invite others across the borders of it into the standard of love and care that i know I am capable of giving to my friends, that I have experienced, and that I dream of.
Melissa!
Thank you so much for engaging with this so thoughtfully. I’m glad (I hope?) that this felt supporting in some way. I appreciate you!
Thank you for this beautiful, thoughtful offering. You just dropped something good in my lil queer piggy bank of hope today.
Kiesha, please forgive me for my delay in responding. I’m still learning my way around Substack. Thank you so much for taking the time to engage and respond so thoughtfully. I hope today has been good to you!
Great read! I just ordered one of Dean Spade book, it was nice to see a reference of them in the post.
One of my favorite writers. I hope you enjoy his work!
And thank you!
oh my gosh i cant even tell you how excited i was reading this piece, knowing theres other people trying to build the world(s) that my partners and i talk about ALL THE TIME. and your discussion of how you open the floodgates of your love... is so relatable, i have spent years trying to articulate that i want to show up in friendships ready to donate kidneys and how disheartening it is that others seem to limit their desires to weekly coffee dates . But youre so right about agency and creating space for people to interrogate their wishes and wants. this was incredibly healing and exciting to read thank you so much for writing it.
McKenna! Thank you so much for this thoughtful share. Sending you so much love!
This is something I wanted and didn’t have the language for it. So glad to hear it exists. For a while, I just figured I would have to do life alone since I can’t fall in line with societal norms.
Alexa! I’m grateful for you and this share. I hope this felt supportive for you!
This. This. All. Of. THIS!!! Thank you so much for sharing this. This is something I am actively learning, living and building with friends and it's been so interesting to witness how it's rubs up against romantic interests who've never seen it in practice. This is why I will not shut up about romantic friendships, because the hierarchies hold so many in a bind that they do not have the language to name, nevermind actively challenge/choose a more aligned alternative.
Tšhegofatšo, thank you so so much for reading and responding with so much intention. I appreciate you! I could not shut up about this topic if I tried. 🤭 I feel so strongly that it is how we get free and it makes my heart warm to know that I am co-creating a future alongside folks like you!
This is brilliant! Something I so dear to my heart and something I am actively living and building with friends. Communal living and mutual support just like you would with family/romantic partners. Thank you for your voice. it’s so so so necessary we expand our mind on relationship hierarchies!!!
Hiii!!! TYSM for this post. It’s so reassuring to see that other people are still figuring out how to create and live in intentional community as opposed to making assumptions based on role or social norms.
I personally am looking to create something that is reminiscent of my childhood support system. Seeing my mother and grandmother care for and be cared for by others has left a lasting impact on me and I feel called to continue to create safe spaces just as they did. May we all be able to create the realities that support and fulfill us 🫶🏾
Hi Tiffany!!
Thank for your the kind words. It feels so affirming to receive responses like this; im grateful for you!
And yes! I can so relate to being inspired by the relational dynamics and care infrastructures that my mom/grandmother other matriarchs modeled growing up. My dreams feel like they don’t belong to just me and that is such a special feeling, to feel like this desire is flowing through me (+you, +us)!!
Tysm for taking the time to sit with this! 💛🤲🏾